Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Thief in Me

There are rumors circulating that I am a thief, a swindler, someone not to be trusted with money or small children. These outrageous accusations are at best, exaggerations. You steal--no, take--one lousy chair and all of a sudden you're an embezzler. I like to think that I'm smart, but criminal mastermind I am not.

We were getting new chairs, ones with lumbar support or some other catchy term. Bottom line: the new chairs were supposed to be ergonomic and would therefore increase worker production. So I took one of the old chairs (mine, in fact) and took it to my car at the end of the day. No big deal right? Wrong.

Jen in HR reported me and now I am without a job and no severance. They claim I was stealing company property. Where were the old chairs going, I had demanded? I got nothing in return but cold stares.

I don't know why Jen reported me, but I suspect it is because she has been harboring a grudge for me. When I first got here, I made it a point to be friendly to everyone, because I was a schmuck. I thought that would get me places, develop connections. I made the mistake of being friendly to Jen, who I am sorry to say, is a rotund girl. She mistook my friendliness for attraction and when she found out I wasn't interested, she grew cold, like an igloo.

God, what a bitch.

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